It bleed again...
I got a shock of my life! This morning, while I was cleansing my face, and splashing my face with water, out of a sudden, my nose bled. And I see myself in the mirror, like a messy ghost. With my morning wake up "wella" hairstyle, plus vision blurred due to splashing with water and seeing blood dripping to my mouth. Goodness. It was my first time having nose bleed early in the morning. haha. But still, I came to work. haha.
Some random post, dude. haha.
Secret surfaced finally. haha. Felt very relieved after a loud cry. Just wanna thank Pastor. Thanks for loving me unconditionally, though I let you down. The first time, he told me 'Freda, do you know I am very sad', upon hearing what I told him. I believe I have disappoint him greatly, but he still accepts me as who I am. Thats the greatest thing in being a Pastor. haha. I felt I wasn't myself, and all seems like a dream. Did I really said it? Or am I dreaming? That is a secret I wanna keep to myself for the rest of my life!!! I couldn't tell myself either. I just know I am just being accountable for my acts. Does a Leader makes mistakes? Yes, certainly. I am one example. My mistake is something irreversible. But the greatest thing I know is that, Jesus already bore my sins upon the cross when He died. I should not blame myself any further and always remember, we all learn from mistakes.
I am weakened by what had happened and constantly struggling with the guilt that creeps after me day in and day out, which the stupid satan has been trying to destroy me with. Life have not been easy for me the past one year, always allowing lies to fill my ears saying, you are not fit to be a child of God. you are sinful by nature. Nothing you can do can bring back time for what you have done. But thank God, for His forgiveness and Mercy. Also thank God for giving me such a wonderful Spiritual Father, who sees me through difficult and helpless valleys of life. A phrase from him, 'Keep Walking Strong', keeps my heart filled with God's Love, that seems unfamiliar to me for the past one year.
Today then is the day, I finally face reality. Get myself out of Fairy Tales, no more happily ever after. No more sinning, no more hurting myself. Get myself out of bondage and into breakthrough! Time for healing of wounds. Time to sew up those deep cuts. Time to go for some dialysis to cleanse the blood. haha. Thanks for giving me a space to burst out my insane emotions. Please give me a room for recovery, and I will be healthy again...
On the way to recovery,
Freda